Here we go again, walking on the side of this seemingly
endless highway at 2:45 am. Well, actually I just came from the 24-hour convenience store;
I bought 2 cans of cold coffee and a bag of potato chips. Oh god! Am I
overdoing this one out? It’s been 3 weeks and I am doing the exact same thing
every 2:00 am or so. I don’t know, but I think it is just an S.O.P. in order
for me not to sleep on my home-based job. Perhaps it is nice to walk under the
stars to feel the frigid air outside during post-evening. Perhaps sometimes it
is good for a change. I don’t know, but the thing is… I think I am enjoying the
nocturnal blues that the crickets and suicidal cars make whenever I’m on the
road.
Oh dear… fine, I’ll cut the crap out of it…
The truth is… I am just making this convenience store thing
as a reason to go outside. Usually during these walks, a lot of things are
scrambling inside my mind. Like where do these cars go during
post-midnight? Are they criminals? Are
they like a serial killer who gets rid of these chopped bodies on the trunk of
their cars? Or are they rushing towards the hospital to get some money for
their dying relatives? There are a lot of possibilities I think. But I think
the closest thing that I could probably notice about them is that they are
usually on the rush; I think in that thing… I am very certain.
Whenever I reach the stoplight on the crossing, weirdly, i
remember the past years. Like how this object represents all my frustrations
and happiness during those moments. I wish I should’ve used them properly. How I
wish I knew exactly when to use the red light, to rush whenever it is green, or
even when to patiently wait whenever it is in yellow. Flip the coin here and
there then I wish that some moments should’ve strayed longer than I could anticipate
and hope for. Things, that I don’t have much time to consider whenever I am
busy working and messing around. After all, I think these stuffs worth nothing
but both pain and reverie whenever I think of them. All my plans, all my
wishes, my foreshadowing, my daydreams and my frustrations; they all sits there
to remind me of how naive and how such a travesty I am at the same time during
those years. Well, I used to believe in the sayings that we learn from our
mistakes. But hell, if we really learn from them; this very man, who wrote this
god-forsaken stuff you are currently reading right now, should be a genius by
now, based on my own perception.
But honestly… do not get me wrong because…
I’ll say it proudly: I do not keep any grudges. Yes, that is
the crystal clear truth. I mean, who the hell are we to exclaim what is and
what should’ve been the best for us huh... as if we always create the damn
right decisions because I think everyone of us knows exactly that it’s not the
way things go. Yeah frankly there are a lot of times during my previous years
that aren’t exactly nice to blabber and rave about. Like how I ended up getting
thrown out of the classroom during our final exam in 4th year; or
how I suck at sports; or why I hate “dinuguan” because I found a used
toothpi- yeah, I think that’s quite enough. Like that one time--- okay I’ll
shut up. The thing is… we are imperfect. But isn’t that great? Isn’t that great
that we always haves these holes? Isn’t that great that we are not running out of
place for something new? Isn’t that great that we wake up every day realizing
that there are always things worth waking up for? Yes, it sucks that we cannot always have
everything we expect to have five years or so from now. But i think that that’s
the very reason why we learned to appreciate and cherish things up to the
little details: your first vacation get away, your first sleepover, the trust
your parents gave you during high school promenade (pun not intended), your
first kiss, your first job after graduation, the first night you got wasted for
some ridiculous reasons you might have, the first porn you’ve watched (is it
weird to say that I got turned-on in the two gir---). Things, that even in the
slightest and stupidest manners, they still have this little corner inside our
minds because they fill the gaps that all our frustrations and unfulfilled
expectations left us during those days. They are the reason why we use the term
“at least”. So, I guess to sum it up, let me drop this one: I love being a
mess. I love being this person who experienced those ups and downs those past
years. I love thinking about them during this impervious walks of mine during
midnight. Without them, I am not who I am right now. They’re the reasons why I walk
alone every midnight. So, let us cut the crap out and start realizing that
being imperfect is perfectly normal. Let us stop making an ass of ourselves
because we’ve already done that several years ago and if we would not stop
doing that, we’ll end up suffering in a life crisis (whether it is a quarter one
or a middle one). Yeah I don’t want to hide the truth that letting go of
something you really care about but unfortunately you are not destined not to
have is very, very, very hard (yeah, It sucks that I can’t be batman… but I’m
still young and I’m still very hopeful). But they’re not a good reason to make
your life miserable and brimming with skeletons. After some moments of
relaxation and self-reconciliation, you’d soon realize that removing the restrictions of your highest expectation bar is very
liberating. You never know, perhaps in some time in the future, you can finally
have something more than what you usually expect; and that would definitely feel rewarding. That’s the power of
surprise.
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