7 Proofs Why Modern Technology Makes People Dumb

Using sophisticated tools has been the hallmark that made our species distinct from the other animals that also utilize much simpler tools. I know this because I don’t have a life that’s why I flip on Nat Geo because I find watching lions in the Savanah that feed on carcasses of Wildebeests weirdly satisfying. I think it’s a pretty nice way to destress. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that, right?....I mean.. right..guys? 

Eherm, Well, anyway, there’s nothing really new about this article. It’s been written many times over in so many magazine sites only that they’re presented in new wrappers. It’s just that we, the Culprits, decided to write this article because  Alvin was drunk last night and he wanted to vent some shit out because he’s a smart guy and smart guys tend to drink more inorder for them to tolerate dumb people. And note that the level of one’s IQ is directly proportional to the number of dumb people he feels surrounded with. So yeah, Alvin is one miserable fuck (j/k buddy). Anyhow, without further ado here we present Alvin’s rants last night written in a slightly sober manner.

#7. Mobile Phones Cause Vehicular Accidents

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I got totally wasted last night and I asked my friend (William Haul) to give me a lift. Fuckingly however, his concentration was so divided with his cellphone and the road that it's like he's no more drunk than I am. If I knew he'd be as dumb as this I should have just drove myself home instead. Whoever is that he's texting, she better be, or I hope it's a she, more worthy than both of our lives. Damn I almost reduced myself as a part of the statistics.

#6. Study of Facebook Users Connects Narcissism to Low Self-Esteem

Tadpole Revolution

Even zombies are hooked in the Selfie Mania.

I saw a Facebook profile photo of this motherfucking bitch and she was like, "Thank you, Lawd. Thank you for all of the blessings." Seriously, just how the hell did God, with all the debates about His existence, bless you? Was it entirely because you became the right bitch for that douchebag? C'mon, get a life! With how FOOOKING ugly you are, I blame your dad coz he forgot to use Durex that time. I fucking swear to my mother's grave that the soles of my feet are more good looking (Brad and Leonardo combined!) and I even do fire walking as a side job on weekend! I was even more shocked (10,000 Niggawatts) to see you coming out from a female restroom because I honestly, GENUINELY thought you were one of the DOTA guys. Really. Now, imagine that, bitch.

#5. Auto-correct Made Your Spelling Dull

Kids, did you know there was a time in the recent past that PCs were widely unavailable. No, this is not the time of the dinosaurs, I said recent past. Remember the Backstreet Boys, yeah? A few years earlier than that. So, are you with me now? Gather around and I'll show you something. Lo and behold, the Typewriter.

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Very steampunk-ish, I know.

This awesome, but extinct device is like your Microsoft word only not electrically powered. I remember this one story of a friend of mine: to protect his privacy we'll just change his name to Mark Celozar. He has this older brother who had a hard time finishing his college thesis for he needed to arduously sharpen his vocabulary and spelling skills. If he were to make a single mistake, he had to blot it out with white ink and this can make his paper not presentable. So, he had to make as little mistakes as possible, if not none at all. So, this means that he has to carry around a dictionary with him and sometimes a dictionary has its limits and there are times that he doesn't bring it with him. So, he was forced to leave it upon memory and beef up his game. And for that, Mark Celozar respected his brother and so should you, yes, you Microsoft Word dependent, overly narcissistic, disgustingly pretentious "Grammar Nazi."  

#4. DSLR: The Fuck, I'm a Photographer Biatch!

Not that I abhor its existence (because I do love to have one), but the mere fact that there are these morons who love doing selfies with their DSLR hanging on their necks, instead of using it to take vivid pictures that may contribute to Art and Aesthetics and the Welfare of Mankind, make me totally sick. Oh, how I wish they choke to death doing what their bird brains tell them to do. Please, in the name of the DSLR almighty, use it for a greater and purposely cause. This never gets said enough: just because you have a DSLR, doesn't mean you're a photographer. Unless you have a true knack for art, you are just a kid who has some very expensive camera.

#3. Sizzurp Your Way to the Morgue

If you like to book for a one way ticket to Luciferville, oh not yet death, but a different kind of high so you would be in the kewl crowd, you better listen to Lil Wayne coz' this guy's got demn shyeeeet. Trust him, he can show you around the life of a party rock star. 

The Box Houston

Look at that face. That is the face of Integrity.

#2.  This Whole Transgender Thing...

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World record holder of youngest sex change operation... so sorry mate.

I am aware that most if not every single gay guy's dream is for him to become a female. And now technology has made this somewhat possible. I said somewhat because, you know, you can still catch them with their voices and all and I should know this because Philippines is geographically close to Thailand. So, now they should be happy and content with this right? Nope. That is because these transsexuals wanted to take it a notch further. They actually want people to believe that they should be considered and labeled as actual biological females. And if there are people who refuse to be dragged  to their fantasy land, they cry discrimination. This is something I do not, for the life of me, understand. What you transvestites to really want to happen is to erase parts of the memories of people who know about you and your long history of being male (pun intended). But this someone named Kim Petras (pictured above) changed all that. This...person  looks exactly like a girl and, get this, even sounds exactly like one. I fear that one day I end up marrying one of them and oh god... oh god...

Suddenly, buying that one way ticket to Mars they were offering a couple of months back isn't such a bad idea after all.

#1. 3D Porn as an Alternative for Addressing Male Infertility Problems

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A team of researchers from Fuckington University had recently developed a new medical breakthrough that could change all the existing knowledge regarding human conception. The research, published in The New Murican Medical Journal, suggest that women who regularly watched of pornographic videos, specifically in the 3D format,  significantly increased the chances of conception reaching about 87% compared to those who have watched less. The study was conducted within a six year period and respondents were composed of  267 American married women aged 21-35 and all were clinically infertile. The research also suggest that the traits and characteristics of the subsequent offspring of these so called 3DMilfs resemble more like the male actor in the last film the woman watched (averaging 3 days before her conception) than her actual spouse. Although the research was not well received by many religious groups, stating that only God has the ability to create life, the research was nonetheless received enthusiastically in the academic and medical world.