The Church and I

Yesterday, my wife and I, together with our fluffy boy, Brielle, went to our local parish church. We had to set a date for our son’s christening, which we agreed to schedule on the 15th of this month. Although I’m not comfortable going to a Catholic Church, not because I hail Satan and his minions or I’m a self-proclaimed agnostic, I had to stick with the plan and play the father part. So, yeah, we went straight to the office, arranged the required papers, and waited for our turn to be interviewed by the parish priest (which took almost 2 hours before we finally got our turn). The atmosphere inside made me felt eerie and uneasy. Not because of the religious statues, where devotees worship and pray to, that were present, but nostalgia suddenly came into my inner senses. Later, I found out that I was in deep reverie – my mind was summoning pictures of what my life used to be. Hence, to pacify the situation, I chose to break the limbo with a stick of cigarette.


Few years back, when my orientation towards this complex world was still vague, I dreamed of becoming a Catholic priest someday. I was preoccupied with the belief that, one day, I will share the Creator’s word to the world no matter what will happen. Mock or make fun of me, but this was really the story of my life way back then. I never perceived myself as a doctor nor an engineer that time; my mind was profusely consumed with the thoughts of being a servant of holiness. I was that fueled, determined and focused. And, believe it or not, this idea circled in my head the entire time when I was in elementary. I never regretted, though. At least, I learned to dream, right?

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See?

Days and years passed, I managed to trim my own brain: I realized that my feet were not set to walk in the shadow of the Almighty -- that I was instead destined for a bigger purpose, bigger than my ego, bigger than that of my previous dream. Although I can’t fathom what lies ahead beyond me during that time, I was absolutely sure that my childhood fantasy was not meant for me. Alas, after every this and that, Lucifer read my mind: I was becoming a non-believer. I hardly go to church or attend spiritual gathering. Eventually, when my mom noticed such drastic transition from me, she was like, “What the hell happened to you, son?” I really don’t know. Maybe my I-want-to-be-a-priest days are over, and it appeared to be an oasis after all. Despite this inconvenient truth, I never poured anxiety to my parents. I was still that same kid they had loved throughout the years. My religious perspective was altered, though. However, as every transition went by, I was again introduced to another religious entity – quite different and rational in terms of belief.

In there, I learned to define what religion is – for that moment, at least. Whether if you know what religion theologically means or you have to display a relentless effort to open your dictionary, this term is barely indefinable. For these believers, however, it’s a different story. Religion is more of a human fixation where an individual becomes overly attached to a certain type of thing, either good or bad, that he/she forgets to distinguish what’s right from wrong or vice versa. Basically, the term, for them, is not subjective to faith nor worship of a superhuman controlling forces i.e. god or gods.  It’s more of an obsession. Something like: You listen to Miley Cyrus songs 24/7 when in fact it’s very disgusting. You can even see teenagers deeming her as their role model. Fuck! Are they really that dumb? Oh well, it’s up to them. Going back: Personally, it made me think for a couple of times before I truly understand. So, now that religion, globally defined as one’s faith or belief, is shunned, what do they simply want to convey? Are they not a pious organization then? Yes and No. Yes, because they (firmly) believe in the Supreme Being; the molder and king of the whole universe and template of moral authority. No, because they don’t categorize their faith as a religion; it’s more of a relationship with God, the Potter. And to keep this “long distance relationship” working, praying should be the key – a form of communication so to speak. It’s actually astonishing to even ponder. Nonetheless, it did influence, not a fraction, but a larger percentage of my human distinction.

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His Holiness, Father Alvin. Amen

Now that I have laid a tore chapter in my life, the question would be: What is the focal point then? Of course, it would be very offending if I don’t even give the gist out of these words. But, sad to say my friends, it’s nothing important. Really. I just find it to be very appealing to share especially after a long day at work. As what I've previously mentioned, nostalgia has crawled beneath me. So, fuck yeah, I don’t give a damn. Just kidding. Nevertheless, if you’re thinking that I’m an atheist by now (not to mention the tattoos and ear-tunnels I have, you, deeming the latter, is acceptable), you’re completely wrong. I still believe that there’s a Supreme Being behind all of these shits (even the shits that are happening in Syria, Zamboanga, and her Porky Excellence, Janet Napoles) that are happening in us now. It could have been shaken, but has never changed. Sometimes, there are scenarios where you choose to go with the flow. You seem not to find a reason to go against it – especially if the people, you conceive to be showered with enormous spiritual waters, becomes a dick afterwards. I know that we should not be driven by their downfalls for they are humans as well. But hey, is it acceptable if they haven’t changed since day one (1)? What’s even worst, they are the pillars of the so-called church. Well, as what they say, it’s better to juice-out one’s true colors than living a life of hypocrisy. At least, I’m not pretending.