The Cucumber Diary

As I was paving my way through the internet for my “supposedly post,” I chanced upon this very strange article, which you probably have had heard years before. I know this news is pretty old enough to even discuss it here in our blog. But hey, I can’t help it especially if the reports are really funny to the point that I even questioned myself: “Just where were you that time, Dude?” Anyway, if you’re wondering how a cucumber would go inside a person’s butt, then, we are on the same page. I can’t even imagine how the scenario would exactly be. A Philippines showbiz talk host, however, by the name of Jobert Sucaldito, made this bizarre setting possible. During that time, he had been admitted to the hospital due to a cucumber-butt-invasion. Yup, you heard it right–a five (5) inch green cylindrical fruit was found inside his bottom. And, as I've mentioned, it really puzzles me. But, the thing that caught me most is his explanation to why such event happened.


This is, by far, the most absurd rationalization I've ever had encountered in my whole life. Well, I’ll explain to you why, but first, let’s get into details.

According to the surgeons, who did the operation, he (Sucaldito) was complaining about a severe pain on his lower portion of the body. Eventually, they found out that (now, imagine) a cucumber’s broken part was stuck at the base portion of his large intestine. And hilariously, when the surgeons were asked by the media about the showbiz host’s case, they seem to keep themselves from laughing and looking at the reporters’ eyes. In other words, they were having a difficult time conveying the heart of the matter. Of course, the surgeons had had to be aware of the doctor-patient confidentiality. Hence they were lip-locked, and, somehow, discussing the case in a subtle way.

Cucumber salad, really?

On the other hand, Sucaldito’s household discovered the cucumber’s half-part, which is also in five (5) inches length, in their master’s bedroom. At the same time, it had “bite marks,” and appeared to be in a soggy state. Now, that’s just completely peculiar. There were also pictures of nude men, a bottle of Johnson’s baby oil, and plenty of tissue paper. With that, I guess, you can picture out what exactly happened, right? Actually not, if you’ll listen to what the talk show host explained. And I’m pretty sure you’ll burst into laughter.

Here’s what he had to say.

“I was making a salad. I sat on a chair, but there was a cucumber there in an upright position. Everything just happened so fast.”

When I read this, I can’t even reckon to where he based his explanation. Hell would I know, though. With the fact that his household found some naked photos of men with tissue papers (and not to mention the existence of a baby oil), you can definitely say what went there. A man-to-cucumber turmoil? You can say so. Or, a man-to-man wrestle? Hmm… quite legit, needless to say.  Don't tell me he's really just making a salad concoction. If yes, fuck yeah, humanity has just lost its ability to point correct from wrong.

The Levine-Sucaldito-Cucumber Distinction

Indeed, when people are left cornered in a room, sometimes, they seem to find a way out–in a very odd manner, that is. I can’t blame him nonetheless. I guess he really had to make such story in-order to defy what other individuals might say to him–at least, for those who believed his statements. However, one can merely see what a futile move that was. Maybe Jobert thought that Filipinos (and other people around the world) are just too dumb to even notice the given details. Or he intentionally did it to add some humor or whatsoever. Well, this is how it hit me, and you’re free to debate what his point is for you. But for me, he was in a very obvious fucked-up situation. Thus fucking it up would make things worse.

To sum it all up, nevertheless, Jobert Sucaldito is an intelligent (gay) person. Personally, I love how he thrusts comments on celebrities facing other kinds of shit. His wit is not a doubt. However, he could have had chose not to do it with a cucumber. Soap might have been a wiser option; his ass would even be cleaner actually.